Sex Sells: Spice up your job description

No, this is not an article about resume writing. Quite the opposite!

Once upon a time, I was attending a friend’s wedding in Scotland, where I used to live. I have a lot of hard feelings towards the Scots as a people, so I took an “I don’t give a rat’s @ss” attitude towards enjoying myself at the reception. I’d been in the massage business for about two years at that point, and was struggling with the way everyone presumed I was a semi- (or even full-blown, pardon the pun) prostitute. So when one of my fellow wedding guests asked me what I did for a living in her very proper accent, I put on my most confident tone and declared:

Naked men pay me a lot of money to touch them.

Now, I’ve used that line on American women whom I want to chase away for whatever reason, and it works like a charm. What can I say, we’re a very literal nation. However, this nice Scotswoman didn’t bat an eye and came back with, “Oh, are you a doctor then?” It made me want to move back! I ended up having the time of my life at that reception because…get this…my special combination of hereditary dark humor, New York wiseass, and perfect command of British slang. That’s saying quite something for a socially anxious little wallflower like me.

Now, massage is an easy profession to put a sexy spin on – too easy, really, and most of us resent when that happens. But what about a more “normal” job? It might be a whole lot of fun, next time someone asks you what you do for a living, to put on your Sexy Voice and have some fun with it.


Computer tech: “I spend all day crouched under women’s desks to service their…software.”
Waitress or Chef:  “I’m all about satisfying unusual appetites.”

So, give it a shot – and share below!


9 Responses

  1. I do it with the lights on, onstage!

    We do it in the dark!

    I spend my day pulling on a cable in the dark.

  2. I tried and tried but I don’t think you can spice up insurance. It’s the dryest and most humorless profession in existence.

  3. I am a teacher…so anything I say would just be creepy!!! But this was a funny article.

  4. hmmmmm…. having a hard time with this one, but I love the post and your one liner about your profession. good chuckle.

  5. Once again, your posts have *excited* me! haha…sorry, had to throw that out there 😉

    btw, have you seen what your creation of “wierdest jobs ever” has turned into? Check out the front page of under “Money”! My post that you inspired is on there!!! here’s the link to the guest post too if you wanna check it out – i’m sure your stats are exploding too 😉

    As always, you = awesome.

  6. Oh, that’s easy- I get people off. Men, women, whatever… as long as they can pay cash up front.

  7. LOL @ MoneyGrubbingLawyer.

    I’m in school to learn how to get people off. 😉

  8. I do dead people – Mortician

  9. @ Sunflower — I screw people for money too. After you’re out of school, either MGL or I can hire you to get people off.

    Of course I will be at least verbally abusive to you, you will spend all your nights working for me, and all the money you make from clients will go directly to me. I’ll give you an “allowance” to live on, though.


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