A De-cluttering Debacle destined for Suburban Legendhood

This is one of those “what are the chances” stories that might entertain those who partake in the Anti-Clutter movement and ruthlessly bundle up unused, unwanted things from the bowels of your closets. Thanks, Mom, for telling it so well that I schnarfed tea all over my cell phone.

Whenever Jane’s husband Brian goes off to a professional sporting event, she celebrates by digging through his stuff and donating it to her church. Since “Big Brian” has been sharpie’d on the inside of the collar to differentiate between his clothes and their son’s, “Little Brian”, she reckons it will be given to the indigent rather than sold at the fundraising bazaars. When Brian can’t find something that she has tossed, Jane just tells him it’s being stored in the spare room and he never follows up.

Last week, Brian went to a Yankee game, where he had seats in one of those hideously expensive boxes in the new stadium. A few innings in, he nudges his friend, points at the guy in front of him and hisses, “That guy – he’s been in my house!” Sure enough, it wasn’t just a similar corduroy jacket – it was his, with “Big Brian” just visible inside the collar from his slightly elevated seat. He then goes on to debate if he should get stadium security, or call the police or what, because this total stranger in one of the most expensive seats in the house is wearing a jacket that’s supposed to be in his closet.

Big Brian:  You’re wearing my jacket. How is that possible??
Jacket Man:  It’s MY jacket.
Brian:  No seriously, it’s mine. It’s got “Big Brian” written in the collar, and I’m Big Brian! I’ll even show you ID! And the collar of the shirt I’m wearing right now – same handwriting!
Jacket Man:  Oh, so you’re Big Brian, eh? You’d probably be interested in this shirt then too [exposes collar marked Big Brian].
Brian:  When were you in my house??
Jacket Man:  I got the jacket for $5 at the church sale.
Brian:  It cost $200 new!
Brian’s friend:  So do you buy used clothes at the church so you can afford box seats at a Yankee game? Now THAT’s a fan!

Yeah, you’ve got to love the hysterical coincidence that two men from the same town and apparently the same church 60 miles away, sit one in front of the other, with one of them wearing the other’s secretly discarded clothes. But the real enigma is, who would buy a second hand jacket with someone else’s name inscribed in permanent marker?

First Reaction:  If you’re going to declutter someone else’s stuff, donate it very far away.
Second Reaction:  Jacket Man has an interesting way of prioritizing his spending.

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4 Responses

  1. Minus the sharpies- this was my mom and I in high school. She was forever giving things away and saying if my room were neater it wouldn’t happen.

    Second reaction- don’t we all save money in one area for something we really want? I wouldn’t spend that kind of money on baseball, but post debt there will be an amazing vacation.

  2. I cant remember how I stumbled across your blog but I am so glad I did..you crack me up! thanks for sharing

  3. oh that is tooooo funny!

  4. That is too funny, his wife almost got him into a fist fight at the ball game over clothing! I’ve secretely thrown away a few things of Mr M’s (shh what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him). He’d never do it on his own and the stuff has to go.

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